Hello Nemo! :)
It's been quite a while since I've written anything to you, so I apologize. I just finished cleaning my room and am taking a short break before I begin packing, I'm heading home soon. I'm really happy to head back, the weather will be more tolerable (but today's weather is lovely!) and I'll get home-made food!! I'm really excited about that, and the best of all: I get to see family again and bake! You know I love to bake, perhaps I bake too much.
Well Nemo, this is so strange to say but I feel like I'm going to transition into another chapter of my book of life. That's not a bad thing, I think, but it is a strange feeling. I guess it feels strange because I've recognized a few of those times in the past and the result is sitting here typing this. I think it'll be a change for the better, but maybe that's because I'm listening to "7 Days to the Wolves". I remember how Nightwish helped me a lot during one of the toughest transitions in my life. And now here we are, just a short 4 or so years later, I'm listening to them again, and this time... this time I feel more empowered than hopeful. Does that make sense? I know it's strange to say, but now I feel like I can do anything I set my mind and work to instead of just thinking of the possibility of doing something. I'm excited to see where this journey will lead, what will be the destination? Will the destination change as I keep going forward? Whatever the case, I'm sure everything will turn out okay.
Nemo, you probably think I'm a little weird for saying it's a transition period, after all every time the school year ends I must transition between my more independent life at school to my less independent life at home. Although I think that will happen again, I think I will be able to retain more independence this time around. This time, I'm sure there are changes that will not go unnoticed, and they are good changes. I look forward to seeing you again. Like always, let us journey forward.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Love: The Question and the Answer
Dear Nemo,
I've had the subject of love on the noodle for a week now, and I'm starting to wonder why. I've told you before, I think, on my belief of the different kinds of love, and how I've believed in that for a long time. So what do I mean? I mean I'm honestly thinking about the love between life partners, and it's kind of bothering me. Well, it's not like I haven't thought about it before, it's just been more at the forefront of my thoughts when I'm sitting on a bus or trying to read for a class. I've also told you before that I thought about becoming a nun, and I kind of had picked the order of St. Clare of Assisi if I were going to follow that path. But lately, that has been more of a back burner idea, I guess God is trying to tell me it's not the path I'm meant to follow.
Now I'm wondering why this sudden surge in the idea of loving someone at a deeper level than friendship. In a way, there's a bit of a yearning to have someone at my side to cheer me on when I'm feeling low and to spend time with me. Or maybe I'm kind of jealous of the relationships of the people around me? I'm not quite sure, but that feeling of wanting to someone to love me on a equal level is there. It is of no help that this subject keeps popping up in the media I've chosen to surround myself with, like Pandora Radio. But anyway, I'm still debating on whether I want to live my life alone, or with a husband, or in the service of God.
Nemo, have you ever had this debate in your head? I mean, have you ever felt kind of that tug at your heart and soul? I think that's what gets me most, the fact that I'm not just thinking about this at an intellectual and emotional level, but that somewhere deep down this subject is having some kind of effect. You've heard me say before that I refuse to get married and even though I'm still on the fence of having my own kids versus adopting that was something I was sure of at all levels of my being. And now that is starting to change, I guess even iron bends when enough heat is applied.
I'm starting to believe that maybe I am meant to live with someone for the rest of my life, but the question is who. I have a standard some would call idealistic... it's been molded by a lot of books and my own experience, how do I know when I've found the one? I definitely believe that God sends the right partner when the time is right, and that he'll let me know somehow; I guess you could say it's kind of like destiny? But like I once heard, "There are no coincidences in the realm of Providence." and I wholeheartedly believe in that, I used to want to believe it. But now, now I'm definitely starting to see Him at work. Oh Nemo, but I've also heard something else, and that make so much sense to me! I read it in Goth Girl Rising by Barry Lyga, I recommend you read it Nemo! Anyway, there's a quote that keeps popping into my head every time I start thinking about love, here it is: "Someday you'll find someone who appreciates not just what you do, but how you do it."-Dr. Kennedy. If that's true, then identifying that someone should be easy, right? But what if it's not? What if in my mulling over I overlook the person who appreciates me? And what if the person appreciates me but doesn't want anything more than my friendship?
Why is this subject so confusing? Nemo, could you provide an answer?
"Don't give me love, I've had my share; Beauty nor rest, give me truth instead."
I've had the subject of love on the noodle for a week now, and I'm starting to wonder why. I've told you before, I think, on my belief of the different kinds of love, and how I've believed in that for a long time. So what do I mean? I mean I'm honestly thinking about the love between life partners, and it's kind of bothering me. Well, it's not like I haven't thought about it before, it's just been more at the forefront of my thoughts when I'm sitting on a bus or trying to read for a class. I've also told you before that I thought about becoming a nun, and I kind of had picked the order of St. Clare of Assisi if I were going to follow that path. But lately, that has been more of a back burner idea, I guess God is trying to tell me it's not the path I'm meant to follow.
Now I'm wondering why this sudden surge in the idea of loving someone at a deeper level than friendship. In a way, there's a bit of a yearning to have someone at my side to cheer me on when I'm feeling low and to spend time with me. Or maybe I'm kind of jealous of the relationships of the people around me? I'm not quite sure, but that feeling of wanting to someone to love me on a equal level is there. It is of no help that this subject keeps popping up in the media I've chosen to surround myself with, like Pandora Radio. But anyway, I'm still debating on whether I want to live my life alone, or with a husband, or in the service of God.
Nemo, have you ever had this debate in your head? I mean, have you ever felt kind of that tug at your heart and soul? I think that's what gets me most, the fact that I'm not just thinking about this at an intellectual and emotional level, but that somewhere deep down this subject is having some kind of effect. You've heard me say before that I refuse to get married and even though I'm still on the fence of having my own kids versus adopting that was something I was sure of at all levels of my being. And now that is starting to change, I guess even iron bends when enough heat is applied.
I'm starting to believe that maybe I am meant to live with someone for the rest of my life, but the question is who. I have a standard some would call idealistic... it's been molded by a lot of books and my own experience, how do I know when I've found the one? I definitely believe that God sends the right partner when the time is right, and that he'll let me know somehow; I guess you could say it's kind of like destiny? But like I once heard, "There are no coincidences in the realm of Providence." and I wholeheartedly believe in that, I used to want to believe it. But now, now I'm definitely starting to see Him at work. Oh Nemo, but I've also heard something else, and that make so much sense to me! I read it in Goth Girl Rising by Barry Lyga, I recommend you read it Nemo! Anyway, there's a quote that keeps popping into my head every time I start thinking about love, here it is: "Someday you'll find someone who appreciates not just what you do, but how you do it."-Dr. Kennedy. If that's true, then identifying that someone should be easy, right? But what if it's not? What if in my mulling over I overlook the person who appreciates me? And what if the person appreciates me but doesn't want anything more than my friendship?
Why is this subject so confusing? Nemo, could you provide an answer?
"Don't give me love, I've had my share; Beauty nor rest, give me truth instead."
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Personal Frustration
Dear Nemo,
I'm frustrated. With a lot of things, mostly I guess I'm frustrated with myself. Or, maybe even with God? I'm not quite sure. It just seems like when I'm finally able to balance out my life (school, church, team, personal issues, family,etc) I get a curve ball. I think that's the term. Another way to put it would be cleaning a room and then bam! more things to stack and put away neatly and organize. It's driving me nuts!
Recently, I've started thinking and analyzing things again. By things I mean aspects of social life, which is to say just trends of the world in general. I haven't done that in a long time, and while it felt really good to be able to do that again, in some ways I feel more depressed than before. Maybe that's why I stopped thinking and just went with the flow of things, because just thinking about the ways of the world depresses me. Then I become angry at myself which depresses me more, it's like a really bad downward spiral. I can definitely relate to Kyra Sellers, and I guess that's part of why I started thinking again. Reading that book, it sends my thoughts to the dark depths of humanity again. Which I suppose I had managed to leave.
Then there's the news I've received in the past 24 hours! I had already planned what I was going to do this summer, but it looks like that may not happen anymore. I don't know what hurts more though, not doing what I had planned, or the reason why I'm not doing what I have planned. They're both really painful.
I guess I'm frustrated with myself because I think and feel like I've grown personally. And this period of time has just become like a challenge... because I feel kind of helpless. Hmm... I think it's because I'm getting stretched again, like my little victories are not cutting it anymore. Time to take the next step. I guess I'm afraid, but not as afraid as before? Maybe that's why I'm frustrated, because I KNOW I can take the next step, that it's safe to do so... yet I stand paralyzed and unable to move forward. At the same time, everything in the past pushes me forward and tells me I'll be okay.... and the future? She beckons me, she will sit and wait for me to take the first step. I'm ready to move forward.. so why can't I take the step? I'm trying to figure that out, I think.
I'm frustrated. With a lot of things, mostly I guess I'm frustrated with myself. Or, maybe even with God? I'm not quite sure. It just seems like when I'm finally able to balance out my life (school, church, team, personal issues, family,etc) I get a curve ball. I think that's the term. Another way to put it would be cleaning a room and then bam! more things to stack and put away neatly and organize. It's driving me nuts!
Recently, I've started thinking and analyzing things again. By things I mean aspects of social life, which is to say just trends of the world in general. I haven't done that in a long time, and while it felt really good to be able to do that again, in some ways I feel more depressed than before. Maybe that's why I stopped thinking and just went with the flow of things, because just thinking about the ways of the world depresses me. Then I become angry at myself which depresses me more, it's like a really bad downward spiral. I can definitely relate to Kyra Sellers, and I guess that's part of why I started thinking again. Reading that book, it sends my thoughts to the dark depths of humanity again. Which I suppose I had managed to leave.
Then there's the news I've received in the past 24 hours! I had already planned what I was going to do this summer, but it looks like that may not happen anymore. I don't know what hurts more though, not doing what I had planned, or the reason why I'm not doing what I have planned. They're both really painful.
I guess I'm frustrated with myself because I think and feel like I've grown personally. And this period of time has just become like a challenge... because I feel kind of helpless. Hmm... I think it's because I'm getting stretched again, like my little victories are not cutting it anymore. Time to take the next step. I guess I'm afraid, but not as afraid as before? Maybe that's why I'm frustrated, because I KNOW I can take the next step, that it's safe to do so... yet I stand paralyzed and unable to move forward. At the same time, everything in the past pushes me forward and tells me I'll be okay.... and the future? She beckons me, she will sit and wait for me to take the first step. I'm ready to move forward.. so why can't I take the step? I'm trying to figure that out, I think.
Friday, April 13, 2012
A short Note
Dear Nemo,
You have no idea how much I miss you right now. It's only the second week of school and the fact that I didn't see you between terms means I'm really tense. I hadn't realized how much I liked your back massages until today. I can't wait to see you this summer. First I will hug you, but then I will ask for a back rub. I need one, A LOT!
You have no idea how much I miss you right now. It's only the second week of school and the fact that I didn't see you between terms means I'm really tense. I hadn't realized how much I liked your back massages until today. I can't wait to see you this summer. First I will hug you, but then I will ask for a back rub. I need one, A LOT!
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Sleeping
Dear Nemo,
What is going on with you? You've told me you haven't been able to sleep well lately, in fact for the past three weeks you've told me you get between 3-6 hours of sleep a night. I don't think it's healthy for you at all. Nemo, can you tell me what's been keeping you up? Have you been having nightmares? Is there anything you fear that been keeping you from shutting your beautiful eyes and sleeping? I wish I could help you more than just by writing this letter. We both know that sleep is important for you, in fact, it's what helps keep you sane a lot of the time. Nemo, can you promise to sleep more? In fact, can you promise to go to bed every night at the same time? Please? Nemo, I know how much you love me and you know how I love you too, so for both of our sakes try to sleep tonight. Nemo, I know you've been having slight hallucinations when you don't sleep; I'm really concerned about this. As you read this, I hope you realize what you're slowly doing to yourself with your lack of sleep. Go to bed and sleep now, love.
What is going on with you? You've told me you haven't been able to sleep well lately, in fact for the past three weeks you've told me you get between 3-6 hours of sleep a night. I don't think it's healthy for you at all. Nemo, can you tell me what's been keeping you up? Have you been having nightmares? Is there anything you fear that been keeping you from shutting your beautiful eyes and sleeping? I wish I could help you more than just by writing this letter. We both know that sleep is important for you, in fact, it's what helps keep you sane a lot of the time. Nemo, can you promise to sleep more? In fact, can you promise to go to bed every night at the same time? Please? Nemo, I know how much you love me and you know how I love you too, so for both of our sakes try to sleep tonight. Nemo, I know you've been having slight hallucinations when you don't sleep; I'm really concerned about this. As you read this, I hope you realize what you're slowly doing to yourself with your lack of sleep. Go to bed and sleep now, love.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Children, Marriage, and Adoption
Dear Nemo,
I don't understand why you keep trying to convince me to get married and have my own children. I KNOW it's not what you want from me, you've only mentioned it almost every time someone asks if I've had a boyfriend yet or if I plan to get married. Which has been quite often, and honestly it's starting to get annoying.
First of all, I really think it's odd that you had the expectation that I would to the same thing my mother did, and now that I'm older you're worried that I'll end up like my aunt. Why can't you see that I'm not like either one of them? I am my own person, please stop comparing me to the other women in the family.
Second, I don't want to "choose a sperm donor" that's so strange that you want me to do that. I don't know what to think of you anymore, only two of your children remained married (and one has even separated from his wife before) so it's obvious we don't even agree on the sanctity of marriage. I can see why you don't believe in it, but it would be really kind of you to try to understand my point of view as well. I don't wish for my own biological children right now, and I don't think I ever have.
Third, stop wondering if I'll stay single for the rest of my life. I'm fairly young, just because the other girls you know have had at least one boyfriend by the age of 16 doesn't mean I should be doing that too you know. Besides, I'm still fairly young, if I'm meant to be married then someone will come my way, but for now let me live my life the way it's supposed to be lived.
Fourth, and last, I know that adopted children have issues. I can't even blame the children for the challenges they have to face, I can only blame the parents because of their instability in a situtation and the fact that there are many abandoned and orphaned children in the world means that someone has to and should take care of them. I know the challenges of raising this children, I've been shown and taught the psychology of these children, in fact I'm studying it right now. In learning this I also know that the children you're helping to raise right now have more psychological trauma than the 3 children you could not help raise. What do you think that means? If the three who were not touched by you are turning out to be more stable than the ones in your reach right now, what does that say about you? About the environment you have created? Don't try to say to me that I'm too young to understand something that complex, I'm seeing it with my own two eyes and I can see that there's a difference in the two groups.
Nemo, please try to understand that I don't think you're wrong, in fact you could probably be completely right. I'm simply saying that I don't agree with your point of view, but I believe I can see why you think the way you do. I still love you, but I just can't look at you the same way. For your sake and my sake, please stop trying to tell me I'm weird and crazy and wrong to think the way I do.
I don't understand why you keep trying to convince me to get married and have my own children. I KNOW it's not what you want from me, you've only mentioned it almost every time someone asks if I've had a boyfriend yet or if I plan to get married. Which has been quite often, and honestly it's starting to get annoying.
First of all, I really think it's odd that you had the expectation that I would to the same thing my mother did, and now that I'm older you're worried that I'll end up like my aunt. Why can't you see that I'm not like either one of them? I am my own person, please stop comparing me to the other women in the family.
Second, I don't want to "choose a sperm donor" that's so strange that you want me to do that. I don't know what to think of you anymore, only two of your children remained married (and one has even separated from his wife before) so it's obvious we don't even agree on the sanctity of marriage. I can see why you don't believe in it, but it would be really kind of you to try to understand my point of view as well. I don't wish for my own biological children right now, and I don't think I ever have.
Third, stop wondering if I'll stay single for the rest of my life. I'm fairly young, just because the other girls you know have had at least one boyfriend by the age of 16 doesn't mean I should be doing that too you know. Besides, I'm still fairly young, if I'm meant to be married then someone will come my way, but for now let me live my life the way it's supposed to be lived.
Fourth, and last, I know that adopted children have issues. I can't even blame the children for the challenges they have to face, I can only blame the parents because of their instability in a situtation and the fact that there are many abandoned and orphaned children in the world means that someone has to and should take care of them. I know the challenges of raising this children, I've been shown and taught the psychology of these children, in fact I'm studying it right now. In learning this I also know that the children you're helping to raise right now have more psychological trauma than the 3 children you could not help raise. What do you think that means? If the three who were not touched by you are turning out to be more stable than the ones in your reach right now, what does that say about you? About the environment you have created? Don't try to say to me that I'm too young to understand something that complex, I'm seeing it with my own two eyes and I can see that there's a difference in the two groups.
Nemo, please try to understand that I don't think you're wrong, in fact you could probably be completely right. I'm simply saying that I don't agree with your point of view, but I believe I can see why you think the way you do. I still love you, but I just can't look at you the same way. For your sake and my sake, please stop trying to tell me I'm weird and crazy and wrong to think the way I do.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Only in Dreams
Dear Nemo,
You were in my dreams again. Here's the funny thing, in each dream we've progressed from friends to a couple, outrageous right? On the bright side, my dreams are always G-rated; I think we're usually just snuggling or holding hands. You're probably wondering how I know it's you, well I can see your face and hear your voice, I guess we've hung out enough so that I can recognize you by that even in my dreams.
Nemo, by now you're probably wondering why I decided to tell you about these dreams, we are only friends after all, right? At least I know you are no more than a friend, and I'm sure you view me like a friend too. I'm pretty sure of this because you always seem calm around me, or maybe that's just what I think. Maybe you're more calm because you know I'm not looking for anything more than your friendship, we've talked about this various times. Whatever the case may be, it appears that my conscious and rational mind wants nothing more than your friendship, while my subconscious wants us to be together. I'm not even sure why I started this letter, now that I think of it. On one side, at least now I've told you so it stops bothering me. On the other side, when I stop paying attention my mind wanders back to this idea. Perhaps I've completely lost my mind.
So Nemo, I have a question for you, what are you looking for? What is it you are searching for with this crazy thought? Remember to answer like a sir.
"Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head."
You were in my dreams again. Here's the funny thing, in each dream we've progressed from friends to a couple, outrageous right? On the bright side, my dreams are always G-rated; I think we're usually just snuggling or holding hands. You're probably wondering how I know it's you, well I can see your face and hear your voice, I guess we've hung out enough so that I can recognize you by that even in my dreams.
Nemo, by now you're probably wondering why I decided to tell you about these dreams, we are only friends after all, right? At least I know you are no more than a friend, and I'm sure you view me like a friend too. I'm pretty sure of this because you always seem calm around me, or maybe that's just what I think. Maybe you're more calm because you know I'm not looking for anything more than your friendship, we've talked about this various times. Whatever the case may be, it appears that my conscious and rational mind wants nothing more than your friendship, while my subconscious wants us to be together. I'm not even sure why I started this letter, now that I think of it. On one side, at least now I've told you so it stops bothering me. On the other side, when I stop paying attention my mind wanders back to this idea. Perhaps I've completely lost my mind.
So Nemo, I have a question for you, what are you looking for? What is it you are searching for with this crazy thought? Remember to answer like a sir.
"Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head."
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