Personal Frustration

Dear Nemo,

      I'm frustrated. With a lot of things, mostly I guess I'm frustrated with myself. Or, maybe even with God? I'm not quite sure. It just seems like when I'm finally able to balance out my life (school, church, team, personal issues, family,etc) I get a curve ball. I think that's the term. Another way to put it would be cleaning a room and then bam! more things to stack and put away neatly and organize. It's driving me nuts!
      Recently, I've started thinking and analyzing things again. By things I mean aspects of social life, which is to say just trends of the world in general. I haven't done that in a long time, and while it felt really good to be able to do that again, in some ways I feel more depressed than before. Maybe that's why I stopped thinking and just went with the flow of things, because just thinking about the ways of the world depresses me. Then I become angry at myself which depresses me more, it's like a really bad downward spiral. I can definitely relate to Kyra Sellers, and I guess that's part of why I started thinking again. Reading that book, it sends my thoughts to the dark depths of humanity again. Which I suppose I had managed to leave.
       Then there's the news I've received in the past 24 hours! I had already planned what I was going to do this summer, but it looks like that may not happen anymore. I don't know what hurts more though, not doing what I had planned, or the reason why I'm not doing what I have planned. They're both really painful.

      I guess I'm frustrated with myself because I think and feel like I've grown personally. And this period of time has just become like a challenge... because I feel kind of helpless. Hmm... I think it's because I'm getting stretched again, like my little victories are not cutting it anymore. Time to take the next step. I guess I'm afraid, but not as afraid as before? Maybe that's why I'm frustrated, because I KNOW I can take the next step, that it's safe to do so... yet I stand paralyzed and unable to move forward. At the same time, everything in the past pushes me forward and tells me I'll be okay.... and the future? She beckons me, she will sit and wait for me to take the first step. I'm ready to move forward.. so why can't I take the step? I'm trying to figure that out, I think.