Dear Nemo,
I've had the subject of love on the noodle for a week now, and I'm starting to wonder why. I've told you before, I think, on my belief of the different kinds of love, and how I've believed in that for a long time. So what do I mean? I mean I'm honestly thinking about the love between life partners, and it's kind of bothering me. Well, it's not like I haven't thought about it before, it's just been more at the forefront of my thoughts when I'm sitting on a bus or trying to read for a class. I've also told you before that I thought about becoming a nun, and I kind of had picked the order of St. Clare of Assisi if I were going to follow that path. But lately, that has been more of a back burner idea, I guess God is trying to tell me it's not the path I'm meant to follow.
Now I'm wondering why this sudden surge in the idea of loving someone at a deeper level than friendship. In a way, there's a bit of a yearning to have someone at my side to cheer me on when I'm feeling low and to spend time with me. Or maybe I'm kind of jealous of the relationships of the people around me? I'm not quite sure, but that feeling of wanting to someone to love me on a equal level is there. It is of no help that this subject keeps popping up in the media I've chosen to surround myself with, like Pandora Radio. But anyway, I'm still debating on whether I want to live my life alone, or with a husband, or in the service of God.
Nemo, have you ever had this debate in your head? I mean, have you ever felt kind of that tug at your heart and soul? I think that's what gets me most, the fact that I'm not just thinking about this at an intellectual and emotional level, but that somewhere deep down this subject is having some kind of effect. You've heard me say before that I refuse to get married and even though I'm still on the fence of having my own kids versus adopting that was something I was sure of at all levels of my being. And now that is starting to change, I guess even iron bends when enough heat is applied.
I'm starting to believe that maybe I am meant to live with someone for the rest of my life, but the question is who. I have a standard some would call idealistic... it's been molded by a lot of books and my own experience, how do I know when I've found the one? I definitely believe that God sends the right partner when the time is right, and that he'll let me know somehow; I guess you could say it's kind of like destiny? But like I once heard, "There are no coincidences in the realm of Providence." and I wholeheartedly believe in that, I used to want to believe it. But now, now I'm definitely starting to see Him at work. Oh Nemo, but I've also heard something else, and that make so much sense to me! I read it in Goth Girl Rising by Barry Lyga, I recommend you read it Nemo! Anyway, there's a quote that keeps popping into my head every time I start thinking about love, here it is: "Someday you'll find someone who appreciates not just what you do, but how you do it."-Dr. Kennedy. If that's true, then identifying that someone should be easy, right? But what if it's not? What if in my mulling over I overlook the person who appreciates me? And what if the person appreciates me but doesn't want anything more than my friendship?
Why is this subject so confusing? Nemo, could you provide an answer?
"Don't give me love, I've had my share; Beauty nor rest, give me truth instead."
Monday, May 21, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Personal Frustration
Dear Nemo,
I'm frustrated. With a lot of things, mostly I guess I'm frustrated with myself. Or, maybe even with God? I'm not quite sure. It just seems like when I'm finally able to balance out my life (school, church, team, personal issues, family,etc) I get a curve ball. I think that's the term. Another way to put it would be cleaning a room and then bam! more things to stack and put away neatly and organize. It's driving me nuts!
Recently, I've started thinking and analyzing things again. By things I mean aspects of social life, which is to say just trends of the world in general. I haven't done that in a long time, and while it felt really good to be able to do that again, in some ways I feel more depressed than before. Maybe that's why I stopped thinking and just went with the flow of things, because just thinking about the ways of the world depresses me. Then I become angry at myself which depresses me more, it's like a really bad downward spiral. I can definitely relate to Kyra Sellers, and I guess that's part of why I started thinking again. Reading that book, it sends my thoughts to the dark depths of humanity again. Which I suppose I had managed to leave.
Then there's the news I've received in the past 24 hours! I had already planned what I was going to do this summer, but it looks like that may not happen anymore. I don't know what hurts more though, not doing what I had planned, or the reason why I'm not doing what I have planned. They're both really painful.
I guess I'm frustrated with myself because I think and feel like I've grown personally. And this period of time has just become like a challenge... because I feel kind of helpless. Hmm... I think it's because I'm getting stretched again, like my little victories are not cutting it anymore. Time to take the next step. I guess I'm afraid, but not as afraid as before? Maybe that's why I'm frustrated, because I KNOW I can take the next step, that it's safe to do so... yet I stand paralyzed and unable to move forward. At the same time, everything in the past pushes me forward and tells me I'll be okay.... and the future? She beckons me, she will sit and wait for me to take the first step. I'm ready to move forward.. so why can't I take the step? I'm trying to figure that out, I think.
I'm frustrated. With a lot of things, mostly I guess I'm frustrated with myself. Or, maybe even with God? I'm not quite sure. It just seems like when I'm finally able to balance out my life (school, church, team, personal issues, family,etc) I get a curve ball. I think that's the term. Another way to put it would be cleaning a room and then bam! more things to stack and put away neatly and organize. It's driving me nuts!
Recently, I've started thinking and analyzing things again. By things I mean aspects of social life, which is to say just trends of the world in general. I haven't done that in a long time, and while it felt really good to be able to do that again, in some ways I feel more depressed than before. Maybe that's why I stopped thinking and just went with the flow of things, because just thinking about the ways of the world depresses me. Then I become angry at myself which depresses me more, it's like a really bad downward spiral. I can definitely relate to Kyra Sellers, and I guess that's part of why I started thinking again. Reading that book, it sends my thoughts to the dark depths of humanity again. Which I suppose I had managed to leave.
Then there's the news I've received in the past 24 hours! I had already planned what I was going to do this summer, but it looks like that may not happen anymore. I don't know what hurts more though, not doing what I had planned, or the reason why I'm not doing what I have planned. They're both really painful.
I guess I'm frustrated with myself because I think and feel like I've grown personally. And this period of time has just become like a challenge... because I feel kind of helpless. Hmm... I think it's because I'm getting stretched again, like my little victories are not cutting it anymore. Time to take the next step. I guess I'm afraid, but not as afraid as before? Maybe that's why I'm frustrated, because I KNOW I can take the next step, that it's safe to do so... yet I stand paralyzed and unable to move forward. At the same time, everything in the past pushes me forward and tells me I'll be okay.... and the future? She beckons me, she will sit and wait for me to take the first step. I'm ready to move forward.. so why can't I take the step? I'm trying to figure that out, I think.
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